Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Forum post from a female MLCer


I should point out that an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.

I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself.

I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.

In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC (March 2002-2004), I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. I did not see us as my husband saw us. So you spouses really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your marriage and your life together. You're the only one who is going to understand when your spouse comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there ...

After a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.

I was a mean MLCer. I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had.  I had all my family in support of my efforts.  Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through.  He stood for over 2 years, though.  Alone.  Without a message board or a clue about MLC. He just believed in me and in us.

It wasn’t until he had to let go to save his own sanity that I started waking up.

If you’re new to MLC, I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, your MLCer will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person. You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.

Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to be the person your MLCer can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love really is unconditional.

While she's lost, you have work of your own to do. Work on yourself.

16 comments:

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  2. I understand all of this as I have been going through this roller coaster ride for a year now. What I do not understand is why the LBS is the one that is required to take all of the bad and not allow it to make us angry when we have been demonized for so long...even before we were hit with the emotional bomb. We are also supposed to step aside while the mlcer engaged in an affair and other things that totally destroyed our marriages and families loves.

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    1. Dear Melanie,
      it isn't fair. It's really difficult and the rewriting of history makes it feel like you are so alone. However it is a kind of illness...an emotional illness and process that has a beginning, middle and an end. My husband has been in Replay for about 2.5 years and living more or less with the ow for a year. If I hadnt seen other standers go through this process, I'm sure I would still be in the same state I was at bombdrop. We really are the ones who hold "realuty" for them. But they don't know it..and there is no magical sign from them that you are doing the right thing. And that hurts. It helps to remember they aren't doing this on purpose and didn't ask to be taken hostage in their mind by aliens;) Check out Larry Bilotta's Midlife Crisis course. It's online and not much money. His EC course is amazing for standing spouses. You'll get all the tools you need to get through this

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    2. Thank you for your response. I understand that it is not their fault and I am trying to remain strong and I lean on God everyday. Thank you go the information you have provided.

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    3. I would like to ask one more question.
      Is it normal for the mlcer to act cordial and normal to other people even though they treat the lbs so different?

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  3. Also, my spouse still treats our 11 year old son the same. He takes him for visitation. I know that some in mlc ignore their children as well.

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    1. Our daughter is a young adult and my husband completely aliantaed her when he left. He finally used her name in an email after not being able to mention it for over a year. So I'm one of the lbs' s with a spouse who "forgets" their children.
      I have friends with younger children still at home and the MLCers treat the kids polite and like Disneyland dads. So I've seen both.
      In each case there is a weird underlying attitude that what the MLCer is doing is "ok" and they want their behavior to be acceptable to their children. They justify the affair to the children (adult and smsll) very easily.
      Let me know if there is any other support or questions. I'm not hr re so often. What's app is the best place to connect. I know many other women -Christian and otherwise- going through this who are all standing. Have you seen the movie "war room" yet? It will help

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    2. Thank you so much for your help. I do have other questions. I will write more when I have some more time.

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  5. There is no way I am going to forgive him after what hes done and what hes put me and my kids through

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    1. C, forgiveness is for YOU and not him. And unil you realize this crucial difference, you will be stuck...

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  7. VictimizedMarch 28, 2017 at 11:01 PM
    OK I found/read this 2 years ago & saved it to help me on my really bad days. May 13th will be 3 years since bomb drop divorce was finally a year ago march. My ex husband is 100% in a midlife crisis together 19 years, almost perfect marriage, no warning until the day he left no warning until the day he left talking to a 19 year old started wearing young clothes acts like he hates me typical midlife crisis. He left me with everything and he's lived with his mother since walking out.Im waiting on him he's the love of my life and I still feel like I have a hole in my heart that something is missing i'm doing much better now but still have my days. I have faith in God that's the only way I can keep going & 3 kids 16,13,11. But I really need some help and advice he acts like he cannot stand to talk to me and that kills me. he has got a lot better not going to the gym so much gaining some weight back wearing normal clothes again in the past six months he started spending more time with the kids . Does anyone know about how much longer or an average time or just any advice that will make me feel better . I tried the dating thing I don't like it and I feel nothing for anyon I tried the dating thing I don't like it and I feel nothing for anyone please help

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