Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Forum post from a female MLCer
I should point out that an MLCer MIGHT also pretty much stop talking to whomever they were closest to. They may get a whole new circle of friends. Or they might push everyone away.
I stopped talking to my sister, who has always been my best friend. But by the time that happened, I'd pushed my husband so far away he couldn't have known that was happening. We lived apart and I'd been out of touch with him for a long time except regarding the house or kids. There was ZERO communication with him unless I HAD to and I would go to great lengths to avoid that. I didn't like the man. I know now that what I really didn't like were the things he made me see about myself.
I should also note that when I stopped talking to my sister was when things were beginning to change INSIDE of me. I was getting the first inkling that my story (my rewriting of the marital history) wasn't going to hold water much longer. The cracks were starting to appear. That's when I stopped talking to EVERYBODY.
In my case, through the initial period of deep MLC (March 2002-2004), I'd spun such brilliant BS that everyone thought I was right to want a separation/divorce. In March '04, my husband left for the second time. I was crashing hard and fairly regularly. I still managed for another year to outrun reality though it did creep in occasionally. My husband stopped fighting for me when he left the second time. That was the biggest jolt. By summer 2005, I was coming apart at the seams. Completely. I'd exhausted myself with the things of the world that had enticed me, I was looking at families and missing my own. For the first time, I started to see that there had been good times. I had REALLY forgotten them. MLC stole a big chunk of the good things about my marriage. I did not see us as my husband saw us. So you spouses really are holding something precious that no one else has; you're holding the real truth about your marriage and your life together. You're the only one who is going to understand when your spouse comes back. You're all that's going to be familiar and if you're not there ...
After a while, I started seeing how I had contributed to the bad times. By October 2005 I was completely broken and flat on my face in repentance. Thinking of it still makes me cry.
I was a mean MLCer. I convinced myself and everyone around me that my husband was the biggest SOB that ever walked. I BELIEVED it. I twisted every argument we'd ever had. I had all my family in support of my efforts. Eventually, and it took a long time, I convinced my husband we were really through. He stood for over 2 years, though. Alone. Without a message board or a clue about MLC. He just believed in me and in us.
It wasn’t until he had to let go to save his own sanity that I started waking up.
If you’re new to MLC, I'll say this: If you don't humble yourself at this time, if you let pride make you bitter and vengeful, your MLCer will never feel able to ask your forgiveness. And THAT ALONE IS PARAMOUNT to her coming out of MLC a better and stronger person. You see, the hardest thing for her will be forgiving herself and she can never do that unless she can come back and talk with you.
Love her or not, leave her or not, you've got to be the person your MLCer can come to and apologize. This is when you're going to have your feet held to fire and you'll find out if your love really is unconditional.
While she's lost, you have work of your own to do. Work on yourself.